RPA Science Blog: IQ of Chimps vs. IQ of Occupy Wall Street
Methodology: We used the standard primate IQ test in which bananas are hung from a ceiling, out-of-reach of the test subjects. The room contains several crates which, if stacked upon one another, provide access to the bananas. Scientists, observing through a glass wall, measure the length of time it takes for the subjects to make the connection between stacking the boxes and accessing the bananas.
Test Subject Group 1: Chimpanzees
Subjects pace back and forth through room, looking at the bananas.
Subjects notice crates are moveable.
Subjects stack boxes and retrieve bananas.
Subjects eat the bananas.
Total elapsed time: Eight minutes.
Test Subject Group 2: Occupy Wall Street Leftists
Day 1: Subjects chant mindless slogans demanding that the bananas come down.
Day 2: Subjects bang on the crates as drums to accompany the chanting.
Day 3: Subjects form a General Assembly.
Day 4: The General Assembly issues a directive calling for the bananas to come down.
Day 5: The General Assembly declares a Day of Rage when the bananas ignore the directive.
Day 6: Subjects create a makeshift camp.
Day 7: Overnight, a female subject is sexually assaulted by a male subject.
Day 8: Subjects create a petition at Change.org calling upon the government to bring the bananas down for them.
Day 9: In an address delivered on the House floor, Nancy Pelosi accuses the Koch brothers of paying the bananas to remain out of reach.
Day 10: In solidarity with the subjects, Keith Olbermann angrily proclaims that the bananas have no shame.
Day 11: The General Assembly passes a unanimous resolution declaring that the existence of the State of Israel is the main obstacle to accessing the bananas.
Day 12: Overnight, one subject overdoses on heroin. Two more female subjects are sexually assaulted.
Day 13: The General Assembly declares a moment of silence to honor the subject who OD’d. A dissenting Working Group refuses to join in, expressing anger over the fact that the deceased subject did not share his heroin.
Day 14: To avert a crisis, the General Assembly declares that the deceased’s remaining heroin will be distributed to the members of the Working Group.
Day 15: While leaning against a crate to shoot up, one subject accidentally notices that the crates can be picked up and moved. The General Assembly is informed during an emergency session.
Day 16: At the direction of the General Assembly, two subjects pick up a crate and throw it through the glass wall of the room. Subjects ransack the research facility and burn it to the ground. In the rubble of the burned-out building, one subject notices the charred, inedible remains of the bananas. He holds them up triumphantly.
Total elapsed time: Sixteen days.
CONCLUSION: Regarding cognitive abilities, logic skills, and understanding of basic cause-and-effect scenarios, the chimpanzees soundly beat the OWS protesters. However, when it came to poo-flinging, the OWS subjects handily beat all of our simian test subjects combined.