My Letter to Yahoo News

Dear Yahoo News,

I’m writing to you regarding your August 8th article, Veepstakes: The political striptease of choosing a candidate,” in which you criticize Mitt Romney for “milking” the vice-president decision like “a striptease.”

I did mention that your story ran on August 8th, right? Because, in 2008, Barack Obama didn’t announce his VP choice until August 23rd, and I don’t recall anyone at Yahoo News making similar charges against him.

But in all honesty, that’s not why I’m writing. No, Yahoo News, I’m not writing to accuse you of liberal bias. Rather, as an old-timey newsman who was writing for actual newspapers back when Yahoo News was delivering its pap via dial-up, I’m writing to express a bit of amazement, and – yes – concern.

It took FIVE PEOPLE to write the Romney VP article. FIVE PEOPLE. Five people to write a 337-word article that does nothing but state ‘Romney sure is being coy about his VP prospects.”

Five people.

It took Amy Walter, David Chalian, and Rick Klein of Yahoo News’ “Power Players,” and Richard Coolidge and Arlette Saenz of ABC to write that 337-word story. Apparently, your “Power Players” couldn’t complete the daunting task of writing 337 words, so you had to farm part of it out to ABC. Have you considered renaming the “Power Players” something more appropriate, like “Weakness Players” or “Impotence Players?” Just a thought.

Five people, at two different news agencies, to write 337 words. That comes out to roughly 67 words per person. May I ask a blunt question? Are these people getting paid? If so, I seriously think you’re getting ripped off. I mean, at least a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand keyboards will eventually produce a great novel (or so goes the old adage). But five Internet hacks contributing 67 words apiece can only come up with “Romney is doing a VP striptease?”

I truly believe you’d be better off with the monkeys. And the monkeys would fling less poo.

Amazingly, even with five writers, the article still includes embarrassing grammatical errors (“Could Romney opt for a bolder and sexier pick in Sen. Marco Rubio or Rep. Paul Ryan like some conservatives the Party are urging”). Are you SURE you’re not being scammed?

Frankly, Yahoo News, I’m concerned enough that I’m willing to make you this offer: For the cost of one vodka bottle per month (and I drink the REALLY cheap stuff), I will take over your “Power Players” blog. As I am incapable of brevity, I can guarantee that every damn story I write will be its own “War and Peace.” And, as a bonus, I will let my cat Simon bang around on the keyboard every now and then, to replicate the grammatical errors and oddly-constructed sentences of which you seem to be so fond.

And Simon comes even cheaper than I do. One can of tuna, and a catnip toy.

Of course, you always have the option of the thousand monkeys. That I cannot help you with, but I’d suggest reaching out to someone at the L.A. Times. I think they have more typing monkeys than they can handle. Indeed, I was walking near their downtown L.A. headquarters last week, and the stench was unbearable, even to the extent that the crackheads in the tent city across the street were spraying Lysol.

I am, as always, here to help.

Sincerely,

David Stein
(aka “The Crimson Jew”)
Chairman, RepublicanPartyAnimals.org
Owner and Operator, SteinCo Ceramic Lobsters

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