Post-Election Analysis Shows Obama Campaign Slogan Made Decisive Swing-State Difference

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(AP) – An exhaustive post-election analysis conducted by the Center for Electoral Data Research (CEDR) at Allegheny College’s Budd Dwyer Memorial School of Political Science has determined that a surprising factor made a decisive difference in President Obama’s victory in almost every important swing state – his choice of campaign slogan.

“We conducted very detailed interviews with over 2,000 voters in each swing state – voters who had, before last Tuesday, considered themselves ‘undecided,’ but who, in the end, voted for Obama,” CEDR’s head of research Jonathan Blume told the AP. “We asked them what made the difference, what eventually swung their vote. The economy? Foreign policy? Social issues? Character issues? And by a five-to-one margin, we got the same answer…’Forward,’ the Obama campaign slogan. We really weren’t expecting that, but, in retrospect, we probably should have been, considering that these were people who had not allowed any events of the past four years to shape their opinions.”

The AP conducted a study of its own, and the results support the CEDR’s conclusions.

41-year-old Albert Spahn of Youngstown, Ohio, said he had been undecided until November 6th at 3pm, when he saw an Obama poster as he rode his mobility scooter to the polling station. “Voting is a sacred duty,” he told the AP, “and damned if I wasn’t going to exercise my rights. But still, on the way there, I was thinking, who to vote for? And then I saw that poster…’Forward.’ It’s so easy to say, easy to read. Only six letters…or is it seven? Well, in any event, it’s less letters than that other poster I saw that said something like ‘America’s Comeback Team.’ Look how many letters are in that…like a hundred. Who could remember all that?”

Mike Wojnak of Monroe County, PA, had similar thoughts. “It’s just stupid to think we’re supposed to understand things like the economy, jobs reports, tax codes. I’m no friggin’ scientist; don’t expect me to act like some damn Sherlock Holmes diggin’ for the truth or anything. Just spell it out for me in simple terms. And Obama did that, in a word that was easy to pronounce with no silent letters like that stupid French I flunked out of in high school.”

“I don’t care to know nothin’ about that Medicare or Social Security stuff,” Stan Gaskell of Waukesha, Wisconsin, told the AP. “It’s not like it’s ever gonna affect me. Obama knew exactly what voters like me needed. By giving us such an easy to remember catch-phrase, he showed he cared. That other guy, Ryamney, what an idiot. Only some Wall Street billionaire could remember a slogan that long.”

Nathan Schuster, another Ohio voter, echoed Gaskell’s sentiment. “The Republicans just didn’t connect. Obama was giving us a really easy slogan, while the Republicans were going on about seals being killed. Who cares about animal rights at a time like this? I’m a HUMAN rights kind of guy. Give me something that connects to MY needs.”

Verne DePazzo of Las Vegas, Nevada, had his own perspective. “I been out of work since 2009, but what’s that got to do with the election? I gotta vote for the stuff that matters to me, like which slogan is short enough to write on my hand to remind me in the voting booth.”

DePazzo’s friend Frank McClary, another Nevada voter who was undecided until he walked into the voting booth, agreed. “In 2007, I was doin’ well. I’d been voted Ugliest Man in Clark County four years in a row, and that’d get me a free breakfast every day at Alfie’s Diner and Roadside Attractions in Henderson. I thought that gravy train would never end. But then, in 2010, Alfie’s, and almost every small business on the block, had to close for some reason that I’m sure was not connected to any election. And I had to go out and fend for myself. I was lucky – I got me a job settling disputes between Chinese casino workers at the Golden Nugget, because apparently I look like Yinglong, their fearsome dragon god. And when I walk into a room, whatever they’re hollerin’ at each other about, they shut the hell up and go back to their stations all scared and shit.

“But I look at my friends, almost all of ‘em are out of work, and I’m like, I owe it to you guys to really put some thought into my vote. And that Obama slogan…I said to myself, now THAT makes sense. I can respect that, I can say that, I can SPELL that.”

At which point McClary unzipped his jacket and proudly displayed an Obama shirt of his own creation, which he’s been wearing since the election. Written on the shirt in magic marker: “Fourwurd.”

“I think all Americans can be proud that folks like me decided this election,” McClary beamed.

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