“Little People” Protest Peter Dinklage’s Anti-Gun PSA
(AP) – “I used to get tossed all the time,” Jerry Bunden says as he stares pensively out the window of his apartment. “I never felt safe. Weekends were the worst. Late at night, people get drunk, they want to toss a dwarf. It got to the point that I’d never go out on a Friday or Saturday after 8pm.”
But Jerry, who measures 4’3”, decided to take matters into his own hands. He purchased a firearm, and obtained a concealed carry permit. “No one messes with a dwarf with a gun. Especially because our natural line of vision aims right for the nads.”
Jerry is part of a growing number of “little people,” dwarves, midgets, and whatever the hell Verne Troyer is, who are discovering the value of gun ownership. This month, in response to what many believe is the beginning of an attack on gun ownership rights at the state and federal level, the NRA is launching its newest “niche market” campaign to spread its message of self-defense and personal security. The campaign, aimed at little people, is titled “Even Small Arms Have the Right to Bear Arms.”
NRA Little Person Liaison Benjamin Grozsky told the AP that the campaign has, thus far, received a mostly positive reaction from the little person community, especially after dwarf celebrity Peter Dinklage came out last month in favor of increased gun control in a highly-touted PSA.
“Mr. Dinklage makes millions of dollars. He can afford to hire armed guards,” Grozsky said. “What does he know of what the average little person has to face, in terms of being tossed, or used as a human bowling ball, or held up in the air as people mock his tiny, kicking little legs?”
Little person Wallace Alport agrees. “I doubt that Peter Dinklage has ever had to be a leprechaun at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. That’s the most dangerous night of the year for us. At the end of the night, we’re carrying our take-home pay, and the drunks know it. We’re easy targets. That is, unless we’re packing.”
Indeed, FBI crime statistics show that assaults on leprechauns are the second most-reported crime on St. Patrick’s Day, second only to drunk frat boys in bars picking fights with guys who “looked at my girlfriends boobs, you asshole.”
States that have easy-to-obtain concealed carry permits have the lowest incidences of anti-leprechaun crimes.
“We’re all packing these days,” says midget performer Tweedy Jasperson. “I was hired to be Baby New Year at a pretty wild party last week. And I don’t mind saying, I had a piece in my diaper…just in case.”
“In The Wizard of Oz, you’ll remember that the munchkins had firearms,” the NRA’s Grozsky adds. “And you can bet that Munchkinland was a much safer place than Emerald City, where, apparently, a power-mad fraud with no governing experience could take over and become dictator with ease. That’s what happens when you disarm a populace.”
Little person historian Scooter Orosco likes to point out that James Madison, who codified the right to keep and bear arms by including it in the Bill of Rights, was practically a little person himself. “Depending on the account, he was somewhere between 5’3” and 5’4”. Though not technically a midget, that’s definitely ‘getting a wedgie every day in school’ territory. I like to think that his own experiences as a tiny man helped him understand the right to be armed. Little people like Peter Dinklage should embrace that legacy – our legacy as a people for whom carrying a firearm might mean the difference between spending a pleasant night out at a bar, or being turned into a game of human shuffleboard.”