Dept. of Interior Loon: “Policy Intervention” Needed to Save Mice from Cats (this is NOT satire)

Yesterday, I wrote a satirical post about “Anthropogenicists,” the pseudo-scientists who believe that humans are the cause of all earthly problems, from weather and climate anomalies to earthquakes, floods, volcanoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and species extinction. To an Anthropogenicist, humans are the sole root of all evil. Because nothing bad – no earthquakes, no floods, no volcanic eruptions, and no species extinction ever happened before man arrived on the earth. Anthropogenicism is a religion of the left, proof that when humans reject traditional religious beliefs, they merely go on to create some other faith-based schema to believe in.

I was inspired to write yesterday’s post by recent attempts in New Zealand to ban domestic cats, because humans, by owning cats, are committing “genocide” against rodents and birds. And even though I don’t claim to be psychic (except when I’m doing my “mind-reading” magic tricks while trying to pick up young ladies in a bar), I must say, I was oddly prescient in this instance. Because this morning, the Huffington Post’s “green” section called for U.S. “policy intervention” to deal with the “anthropogenic” menace of domestic cats.

The people specifically calling for this “policy intervention” (why can’t they just come out and say “government intervention?”) are U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service/Department of the Interior bureaucrat Tom Will, Smithsonian Institute/University of Minnesota loon Scott Loss, and Smithsonian Institute/University of Washington crackpot Peter Marra.

I think the only way to grasp the sheer idiocy of their proposal is to quote it directly. So let’s do that:

Anthropogenic threats, such as collisions with man-made structures, vehicles, poisoning and predation by domestic pets, combine to kill billions of wildlife annually. Free-ranging domestic cats have been introduced globally and have contributed to multiple wildlife extinctions on islands. The magnitude of mortality they cause in mainland areas remains speculative, with large-scale estimates based on non-systematic analyses and little consideration of scientific data. Here we conduct a systematic review and quantitatively estimate mortality caused by cats in the United States….Our findings suggest that free-ranging cats cause substantially greater wildlife mortality than previously thought and are likely the single greatest source of anthropogenic mortality for US birds and mammals. Scientifically sound conservation and policy intervention is needed to reduce this impact.

These geniuses call for, among other things, the prohibition of outdoor cats of any kind, and the elimination by euthanasia of cats that dare want a moment or two of outdoor time.

Cats, like firearms, are to be regulated by the government as deadly weapons that we lowly serfs are unqualified to own.

Now, let’s examine for a moment the claims that these Einsteins make. They state that cat-on-rodent violence is “anthropogenic” (literally, “human-caused”). Okay, if I were to take a cat and Frankenstein the hell out of it so that it shoots lasers from its eyes and poison darts from its ass (and you gotta admit, that would be kinda cool), THAT would be anthropogenic. But cats killing rodents? That’s NATURE, you f***ing idiots. Humans don’t “make” cats hunt and kill by owning them. In fact, it’s the opposite. Cats are such excellent natural predators, that they make themselves, by virtue of their natural gifts, appealing pets (especially in rural and farming areas).

It’s the “guns kill people” idiocy, but now applied by leftist pseudoscientists to the animal kingdom. It’s the fallacy, “humans own cats, and therefore ‘cause’ rodent and bird deaths,” ignoring the reality, that cats, being natural predators by virtue of inborn traits, become of value to humans.

What we’re witnessing is a religious cult, the Anthropogenicists, doing exactly what superstitious crazies in Europe did hundreds of years ago, when cats were killed en masse because they were “witches,” which led to rats, now unthreatened by their natural predator, spreading the Black Plague that wiped out over a third of Europe’s population. And if you think I’m claiming that Anthropogenicists are as bad as old-time witch-hunters, you’re wrong. I’m saying they’re worse. Because mankind in the 1300s could be excused a certain amount of ignorance. But today, such stupidity is unforgivable.

I’ll confess that I hope the Anthropogenicists continue their anti-cat crusade, because, in the end, the left always overplays its hand. There are too many leftist cat-lovers, and I don’t exactly mind them getting schooled in the concept of how nanny-statism will eventually target something you don’t want to give up. As a historian, I’ve interviewed hundreds of people who fled or abandoned Soviet communism in the ‘40s and ‘50s. And, for the most part, it wasn’t because they came to realize it was bunk. It was because the state turned on them.

Eventually, the statists turn on their own, because their desire for control is all-encompassing, and because any sign of non-compliance or “disloyalty” must be punished. So, by all means, government Anthropogenicists, come after the cats. I always love seeing lefties pitted against lefties.

And as for me, if you come after my cat, you’ll see my Second Amendment rights in action.

Pictured below: Simon T. Cat, my champion mouser, and my buddy of fifteen years.



4 Responses to “Dept. of Interior Loon: “Policy Intervention” Needed to Save Mice from Cats (this is NOT satire)”
  1. OldManC says:

    You come after my cat, you die. Fair trade in my book. And Simon looks fittingly badass to be associated with this place.

  2. Tava says:

    Well if anything will bring the Right and Left together it will be trying to take our cats! Cats kill mice, that’s nature. Why are so many constantly trying to subvert nature?

  3. nathan says:

    Here in calif. due to the over abundance of cats in my city, and the apparent over abundance of the “kangeroo rat” in our neighboring communities, I do us all a good deed. I’ve made a hobby of humanely trapping the cats, making sure that they’re healthy, and then I transport and release them in the areas with the largest rat populations. It makes us humans happy, and the cats don’t want for lack of food. Plus, it’s just plain fun.

  4. oneblankspace says:

    This is what happens when you elect a president who is not a pet owner.

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