Looking to Sci-Fi Films for a Solution in Afghanistan

Let’s face it – when it comes to Afghanistan, we’re screwed. There’s no happy ending, no solution in sight. If we leave, the Taliban and al-Qaeda will simply repopulate the areas we chased them out of, and we’ll be back to square one. If we stay, we’ll keep losing American lives as we continue the futile task of trying to pacify a nation in which the native inhabitants can roughly be divided into two categories: “hopelessly corrupt” and “I KEEL YOU!”

What do we do? There are no easy answers. So maybe it’s time to think outside the box. As a card-carrying movie nerd, I often look to the world of film to help me figure out real-life problems (which probably explains why I’m broke and single). Perhaps all that the Afghanistan morass needs is a fresh pair of bespectacled eyes and some inspiration from the glorious world of science fiction films.

So here are my top five sci-fi film-based ideas for solving the Afghanistan problem, ordered from least-effective to most.

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1) It’s a great wall (inspiration: “Doomsday”)

In the 2008 action/sci-fi flick “Doomsday,” a virus that’s just about the worst virus in the history of viruses starts killing off everyone in Scotland (they never mention the virus’ origin, but I’m thinking spoiled haggis). The British government’s solution? Wall up Scotland. Yes, that’s its solution.

Did I say it was a GOOD film? No I didn’t, thank you.

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To be fair to the Scots, YOU try climbing that in a kilt.

To be fair to the Scots, YOU try climbing that in a kilt.

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Walled-off Scotland descends into anarchy as warring groups of survivors battle each other over the remaining supply of Billy Connolly DVDs. And the world is saved from both the virus and Scotsmen.

Could it work in Afghanistan?

Unlikely. Why? Well, for the same reason “Doomsday” was one of the worst films of the past twenty years. Even if you could wall up an entire country, people can still figure out how to fly, dig, or dynamite their way out. Hell, any good dog can tunnel out of a yard, and although the Taliban is lower than dog in the grand scheme of things (way lower…they rank somewhere between dung beetle and maggot, and even then they’re outclassed), they would eventually find a way out (or in), no matter how secure the wall might be.

Dave’s Viability Rating: 1.8 (out of 10)

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2) “Aaargh, our god is bleeding!” (inspiration: “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”)

“There are HUMANS in the forbidden zone!” So growls Ape General Ursus in the sequel to the original “Planet of the Apes.” And Ursus is right – there are dozens of mutant human survivors in the area outside Ape City (apes may have opposable thumbs, but they lack the ability to creatively name their cities). The humans, armed with nothing but beautiful singing voices, have two things going for them in their desire to fend off an ape invasion – their ability to use telepathy to make the weak-minded apes see things that aren’t there, and the apes’ own superstitions.

See, the apes revere a god-figure called the “Lawgiver.” The very mention of his name brings apes to their knees. It was the Lawgiver who decreed in ancient times that humans are evil and must be subjugated to apes, and the apes blindly and fanatically follow the Lawgiver’s scrolls.

So the humans in the forbidden zone use their telepathic abilities to create giant fiery images of the Lawgiver, screaming and with bleeding eyes, to scare the apes from entering the zone. Although just an illusion, the image of a screaming, bleeding, flaming Lawgiver is enough to frighten away even the fiercest of gorilla generals.

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How about we fly a few special effects wizards from Hollywood to the Afghan/Pakistan border, and create giant holograms of Mohammed warning his people, in true fire-and-damnation style, to never cross? Muslims aren’t even supposed to LOOK at an image of Mohammed, so the holograms would surely deter any cross-border traffic.

But could it really work?

Probably not. Israel actually considered something similar, in an attempt to discourage suicide bombings on busses. Authorities got the idea that they could use the Muslims’ superstitions against them, by placing pig guts on buses, so that, should Ali Kaboom detonate himself on bus #19, his remains would be mixed with swine, and he’d have less of a chance of entering paradise than I do of getting into ANY Vegas nightclub without the fashion model I used to hang with.

So what happened? What happened is that Islamists love killing more than they love obeying the doctrines they claim to be killing for. Muslim clerics simply issued exemptions for suicide bombers that would allow them to enter paradise even if their charred corpses reek of pork BBQ. And that’s why the “Mohammed holograms” would eventually fail. Oh, they’d work for a bit, but at some point the Islamists, irked at the marked reduction in murdered schoolgirls, would issue edicts allowing their people to look at Mohammed, and soon, just as in the movie, they’d get wise to the ruse and it would fail.

Viability Rating: 4.5

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3) “Is it just me, or is my stomach a vagina?” (inspiration: “Videodrome”)

There is no such thing as a pre-“History of Violence” David Cronenberg film that can be summed up neatly. Before the man found the perfect cocktail of medications that finally knocked out his crazy, his films were surreal, grotesque excursions into “what the fuck did I just see” land. His classic 1983 movie “Videodrome” has something of a plot, sort of. Some well-funded social conservatives devise a way to rid North America of perverts by launching a satellite TV channel devoted to only the perviest porn and bondage content imaginable. Ah, but here’s the catch – watching the channel gives viewers inoperable brain tumors, which – before killing them – makes them hallucinate that their stomachs are lady-parts and that their TV wants to have sex with them.

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If the condition persists, contact your dish provider.

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So, how about we launch a “tainted” satellite network in Afghanistan that airs only the most extreme, horrific, and brutal jihadi shows and images? Something so heinous it would make Al Jazeera look like the Hallmark Channel. For a mere sliver of the cost of keeping our troops there indefinitely, we could give out free satellite dishes (under a bogus company, of course, like “Krazy Kamal’s Satellite Mecca”) to anyone in the country who wants to see this amazing new pro-jihad network.

And the jihadists would start dropping like flies (a bonus would be if they actually do think they have vagina-stomachs before they die).

Could it work?

To the best of my knowledge, the technology just isn’t there yet. “Videodrome” envisioned virtual-reality media, and that came to pass, but damned if satellite cancer-causing tummy-cooter rays have not yet been perfected (seriously, science, get on that). So if the science isn’t there, well, it’s a moot point. But still, if we can develop the technology, it would be a pretty neat plan. Yes, there would be some collateral damage, mainly among conservative bloggers who spend their time monitoring jihadi media, but hey – if losing Pam Geller is the price that has to be paid to stop the Islamists, I think most of us would say, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

Viability Rating (if the technology is perfected, or if Alex Jones is correct that it already exists): 6.9

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4) Population replacement (inspiration: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” “Invaders from Mars”)

It’s one of the oldest and most durable sci-fi themes – you wake up one day, and you’re wife, your mom, your dad, your husband…they look like themselves, but they act differently. Almost like they…aren’t human anymore! The concept of aliens coming to earth and taking over human bodies has been used time and again. “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” alone has been made and remade four times (a classic 1950s version, a superior 1970s version, a mediocre 1990s version, and a version with Nicole Kidman that was banged out by a rhesus monkey with a laptop).

So, how would population replacement work in Afghanistan? Simple. Look at the montage below. Can you separate the wanted Mexican drug lords from the wanted Islamic terrorists? Go ahead, try your luck (answers at the bottom of the post).

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Test

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With a little wardrobe change, most Mexican drug lords (and their minions) can pass as Afghans. Now, think about this. Islamists kill women and children because they think it’s a way into paradise. But Mexican drug criminals kill women and children just because. And that is some cold-blooded shit. The truth is, the average person is just too damn civilized to fight the Islamists bloodlust-to-bloodlust. But what it we partner with the Mexican government (I think there are still two non-corrupt officials there…wait, just checked Google obits…scratch that, one) and send all captured Mexican drug criminals to Afghanistan? They could have total access to those purdy, purdy poppy fields, and they’d be just the hard-assed unfeeling murderous bastards to wipe out any Islamist opposition in town after town until the entire country has traded Ramadan for Cinco de Mayo.

It’s win-win-win. We saddle the Islamists with the only people bad-ass and nihilistic enough to wipe ‘em out, the good people of Mexico are freed from the daily violence these drug gangs bring, and the drug gangs themselves get access to previously inaccessible sources of new revenue.

But could it work?

Well, there would be risks. Mexican drug cartels have, in the past, shown themselves to be susceptible to superstitions like witchcraft. So, there might always be the risk that the Islamists could convert some of the cartel leaders. But, at the same time, pitting the two most heartless groups of human monsters against each other would doubtlessly take a major toll on each. As I said – win-win-win.

Viability Rating: 8.7

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5) GORTS!!!!! (inspiration: “The Day the Earth Stood Still”)

In the 1951 sci-fi classic “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (and no, I don’t even acknowledge that there was a 2008 remake starring Ted Logan), the alien visitor who comes to earth to give us the choice of peace or a cosmic ass-whoopin’ brings along a Gort, an indestructible robot created by his people to patrol their planet and “keep the peace.” Gorts are able to detect violent and anti-social thoughts, and if you dare hatch such thoughts in the presence of a Gort, its death rays will rather swiftly make you “one with the universe.”

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Introducing Gorts into Afghanistan would be problem solved. Jihadist thoughts, or a sudden desire to burn alive a female cousin for reading a book, would be met with swift justice. Now, I know what you’re saying: “this is the most unrealistic idea of all! We’re nowhere near developing Gort technology.”

Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. One of the last projects Steve Jobs worked on was the development of Gorts to patrol Apple’s Chinese child labor factories (Jobs named them iGorts).

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HappyWorkers

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So all we have to do is make Apple an attractive enough offer for them to license a few Gorts to the military, and done and done. As a plus, Gorts can also effectively deal with those irritating few who might object to Gorts.

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HappyWorkers3

happyworkers4

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Viability Rating: 10.00. BRING ON THE GORTS!

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These are my top five. You nerds have any better suggestions?

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Answers to drug lord/terrorist quiz:

A. Drug lord (Arturo Beltran Leyva)

B. Terrorist (Abdul Rahman Yasin)

C. Terrorist (Ibrahim Adam)

D. Terrorist (Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah)

E. Drug lord (Daniel Barrera)

F. Terrorist (Adam Yahiye Gadahn)

G. Drug lord (Ignacio Coronel Villareal)

H. Terrorist (Hasan Izz-al-Din)

I. Drug lord (Dionicio Loya Plancarte)

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Comments
3 Responses to “Looking to Sci-Fi Films for a Solution in Afghanistan”
  1. Kender Breitbart MacGowan says:

    bwahahahahahaaaaaa,,,,,,,,and scots would build a ladder and run right up it kilt and all

  2. Tony DeCosa says:

    #1: All well and good until President Donald Pleasence’s plane crashes in Afghanistan. (“Snake Ali Muhammad? I heard you were DEAD.”)

    #2: THEY knew him only as “The Lawgiver” but WE know him (from future history books) as a trial lawyer of the early 21st Century who made a name for himself (or WILL – it’s all very confusing) as a staunch defender of Islamic rights. In fact, even now you can watch his ads mid-day during the “Judge Coco Brown” show: “Have infidels tried to put one over on you with their lame Jedi mind tricks? Someone may owe you money! Call the law offices of Albert J. Gibbons. We’ll work our asses red for YOU!”

    #3: Actually, that was a vaginal VCR carriage. (One of the few times I wished the Format Wars had ended differently.) Of course, all very obsolete now, but a USB port? Okay – SOMEONE is goin’ home cryin’!

    #4: Only if we can give Jay Carney a spray tan and a rubber-band beard.

    #5: Dunno. Maybe. I’m too busy laughing over a pile of charred, bad-lip-synced remains.

  3. pipercat says:

    Si-fy movies aside, one way out of the Afghanistan mess. Didn’t Obama say he wanted to reduce our nuclear arsenal?

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