My Letter to Convicted WTC Bomber Ramzi Yousef

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It almost looks like he’s sadly expecting sarcasm in this letter…

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Dear Mr. Yousef,

I hope this letter finds you well (arguably, this is the least-sincere opening sentence I’ve ever written). Having just read the text of the federal lawsuit you filed arguing for your release from solitary confinement in the “Supermax” penitentiary, I thought I’d correspond. And, as your boredom at Supermax is part of your complaint, I assume you’ll welcome the small distraction that a letter will provide, even a letter from a Jew.

In your filing, you claim that solitary confinement is making you “paranoid.” Ramzi, you tried to blow up a skyscraper because you believe that the Jews faked the Holocaust in order to steal your land. I’m not quite sure anyone can get more paranoid than that. I mean, really, Ramz, what in terms of paranoia could you be experiencing now that’s worse than what you were feeling in 1993? Do you think your pillowcase is plotting to kill you? Does your stool mock you with Henny Youngman one-liners? If so, that’s more likely incipient schizophrenia than prison-induced paranoia. Or, your stool might actually be ridiculing you. What do I know?

You demand to be moved to a prison where you are allowed contact with the “general population.” What, your relationship with Allah isn’t enough for you? I mean, let’s be frank – you were attempting to murder thousands of people because you believed your god had commanded you to do so. But now, cooped up in that little cell all day long with nothing but your faith, it seems not to be enough for you anymore. That’s kind of, oh, I don’t know, blasphemous. Are you saying that the joy of recounting your glorious jihad to Allah day after day after day isn’t as stimulating as playing a game of checkers with some stuttering rapist in a prison rec room?

Throughout the centuries, Buddhist monks and Franciscan friars have been fine with living isolated lives on mountaintops and in monasteries, just them alone with their faith. I guess your faith just doesn’t cut it for you, huh? Shame on you, Ramz. Allah will surely frown upon your sacrilege.

You also claim that solitary confinement is causing you “psychological damage.” Again I’ll point out – you tried to blow up a skyscraper. I’m rather curious your definition of psychological health. If you’re “damaged” now, what the hell were you in 1993?

Another point: Your lawyer’s name is Bernie Kleinman. Yes, Bernie Kleinman. So, and I’m really trying my hardest to grasp this, you try to kill as many Jews as possible, only to then choose a Jew for a lawyer after you’re caught. Are you saying that we have our uses after all? Which would kinda be like admitting you were wrong to try to blow us up in the first place. That’s rather poorly played, isn’t it, Ramzo? Trying to kill the only people neurotic enough to feel the need to defend their mortal enemies?

All I’m saying is, I’m surprised that your lawyer’s name isn’t Ahmed bin-Kamal Ali-Kaboom, or something like that. Isn’t this yet another instance of you abandoning the beliefs that motivated you in 1993? Look, I’m not being judgmental. I liked a lot of stuff in my youth that I can’t stand anymore. Hell, I liked “The Six Million Dollar Man.” And have you ever tried to watch that show as an adult? It’s horrible.

BTW, I realize you can’t watch DVDs at Supermax, so that last comment was kind of cruel. Of course you can’t watch “The Six Million Dollar Man.” But, dude, let me tell ya, so much about that show just doesn’t make sense. His right arm is bionic but his spine isn’t, yet he can lift a car over his head without his body compacting, and he can bend a steel bar by holding it in both hands even though his normal hand would not be able to offer the needed resistance to the force being exerted by the bionic one, and he…

Wait, I digress. Where was I? Oh, right…

The “legal scholar” cited by your defense team claims that solitary confinement is making you “psychotic.” Yet by your own testimony your desire that day in 1993 was to cause “250,000 deaths.” If your rationale for being let loose in an “open prison environment” is that you’ve grown more psychotic than you were twenty years ago, well…that’s probably not the best strategy.

Oh, and by the way, that “legal scholar” whose work you’re relying on, Colin Dayan, is Jewish, just like your lawyer. Which makes me start to think that you have a really fetishistic love-hate thing going on for Jews. You want to kill us, then you want us to save you. It’s like abusive husband syndrome. One minute you’re threatening us with a knife, the next you’re wailing “I LOVE YOU!” and begging for sex. What happened, Ramazam? Did some Jew break your heart? Did Mayim Bialik turn you down for a date in the early ‘90s? Did Streisand never reply to your fan letter? Did the Weinstein’s reject your buddy-cop screenplay?

Whatever, dude. Honestly, you’re just embarrassing yourself at this point.

So, in conclusion, “The Six Million Dollar Man” really sucks. Oh, and you should absolutely spend the rest of your pathetic life in solitary in your seven-by-eleven foot cell.

“May you live forever” (a reference to the film “300,” which didn’t suck).

Dave

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