“Gang of Eight” Immigration Bill: Newest Outrage



(AP) – If familiarity breeds contempt, the more familiar the American people become with the so-called “Gang of Eight” immigration bill, the more contemptible it seems. The latest outrage is a provision, secreted away on page 1,233 of the bill, which would provide free milkshake lessons at the yard to illegal aliens.

“It’s one thing to grant amnesty to people who’ve entered this country illegally,” says Dr. Jason Wallis of Border Security Corps, an organization that supports tighter border control. “But this is much, much worse. If your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and if there’s a general sense of agreement that it’s better than yours, it’s simply traditional that the person with the worthier milkshake has a right to charge. Indeed, one could say she’d have to charge. That’s free enterprise.”

Alexandra Dowling of American Free Exchange in Washington DC echoes that sentiment. “The U.S. has, for decades, attracted the best milkshake teachers in the world, specifically because they can charge fair-market value for their services. In the UK, France, Spain, and Greece, the government provides subsidies that allow people at the yard to take milkshake lessons at the taxpayers’ expense. There are also artificial price controls on how much a milkshake teacher can charge. As a result, those countries have lost an entire generation of people whose milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.”

This fact was admitted this past January in the British daily The Manorhouse. “England used to be a leader in milkshakes that bring all the boys to the yard,” wrote Manorhouse editor Ian McInnes, “but all of that talent has been drained by needless government interference.”

And now, the “Gang of Eight” bill promises to damage the milkshake-teaching profession in the U.S., just as in Europe. Under the provisions of the bill, any “undocumented resident alien” can receive milkshake lessons at the yard, fully subsidized by taxpayer dollars. This is a privilege even U.S. citizens do not get.

“I worked hard to pay for those lessons. They was expensive,” LaSquaisha Exeter of Fullerton, California, told the AP. “And now someone’s gonna run here from across the border and get them for free? That ain’t fair.”

Milkshake teachers aren’t happy either. “I don’t mind teaching, but I have to charge,” instructor Tykwando Watson told the AP. “I received a letter from the IRS the other day with instructions about not charging undocumenteds. So how am I supposed to make a living? My milkshake is better than theirs. I should be allowed to charge what I want, to whomever I want.”

A spokesman for Senator Marco Rubio would only tell the AP that the senator is appreciative of this country’s milkshake teachers, and that the price controls are a small sacrifice in order to help immigrants hone their milkshake skills. “The next generation of Americans, the immigrants who come here, or who are already here and merely awaiting their chance at the American dream, will need to have good milkshake skills…the kind that can bring all the boys to the yard. We’re simply seeking yard equality for those eager new Americans. The senator’s bill gives them a fair shake.”

Although President Obama has been noticeably mum on the milkshake controversy, in his autobiography, “Dreams from My Father,” he wrote that during his time in Indonesia, “The yards were empty…desolate…barren. Milkshake teachers could not be found. Indonesians were therefore woefully unschooled in milkshake skills. And the country suffered for it. There was a palpable sense of despair.”

The “Gang of Eight” bill has been formally opposed by the UYMT, the Union of Yard Milkshake Teachers, another crack in organized labor’s support for the controversial bill.


Santriaria Bustamante, Joshua Lipsky Levicohen, Starkeisha DeVondel Johnson, and Penisface McGee contributed to this report



One Response to ““Gang of Eight” Immigration Bill: Newest Outrage”
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