So, You’ve Decided to Join a Lynch Mob

The following is a pamphlet from the American Lynchological Society of America (ALSA). It is presented here without comment.




So, you’ve decided the join a lynch mob. A wise choice, good citizen – you are now part of a proud historical tradition in which the self-righteous banish those who have offended them from public life, and, often, from life itself. Your motivation for joining a lynch mob may vary from your neighbor’s. There is no “one size fits all” reason for a good lynching. No matter; the tradition of lynching marches on, and now you can claim your rightful role in carrying the torch.

But don’t grab that pitchfork just yet! To become a successful lynch mob member, there are four rules by which you should abide. Learning these rules, and living by them when conducting your lynching, will ensure that you have the most rewarding experience possible.

1) Avoid Introspection

This point cannot be stressed enough. The enemy of a good lynching is introspection. Allow your adrenaline and righteous anger to guide you. The very act of pausing to consider if what you are doing is right or justified can completely ruin an otherwise fine lynching.

As an example, we can look to history. We at ALSA keep a vast library of lynching-related texts. The following is dated August 15, 1891. It is from the diary of Dr. Josiah Wilkinson, from Tupash, Alabama.

There was a great commotion at town center this evening, as it was reported that a negro named “Gus” had used the dreaded “h word” (“hello”) in the presence of a white woman of faire visage and good modesty. It was decided by the town council that this miscreant “Gus” must be dealt with in the most severe manner possible. Some consternation arose when it was announced that our town lynching leader, “Big Jim” McTavish, had, on the previous eve, ingested an under-cooked ham, and was thus lay’d up with a might powerful case of the shits.

It was ordained that the lynching should go on without him, and, upon rounding up the criminal negro, the crowd proceeded to the town lynching tree, which had only recently been adorned with a plaque bearing its nicked-name, “Old Sturdybranch.” However, the mood of the group was lessened in its vitality when a white man from nearby Steffensville, a bespectacled member of the gentry named Ezra Bullingford, announced prior to the stringing that he was unsure whether this was a correct course of action.

“Perhaps we are acting out of unreasoned hatred,” he told the crowd. “Might could it be that we need to look inward at our own biases and motivations? Should not we do so before striking out at others?”

Well, that fucking killed the buzz, I can most assuredly attest. So demoralized was the crowd, that it could muster not the energy to lynch either Gus or Bullingford his’self. Dejected, I pay’d a visit to “Big Jim” McTavish, to inquire of him, through his vast knowledge, how we had erred. Sadly, upon arrival at his home, I learnt that he had succumbed to his ailment, having quite literally expelled his intestines out of his anus like a party streamer.

The day was not lost, as we thereafter strung up his wife, along with the remains of the murderous ham she’d so poorly cook’d.

As you can see from this firsthand account, the actions of the man who asked the crowd to look inward and examine its motives completely ruined what otherwise could have been a truly great lynching.

So never forget rule number 1 – never look inward, never examine your motivations. Introspection is the mortal enemy of a good lynching.

2) It’s Not Vengeance – It’s Justice!

As you progress along your path of lynchingness, remember that you are not acting out of a base emotion like “vengeance,” but justice! No one likes vengeance; it carries a negative connotation. A good lynching is meant to right wrongs. Never forget to continually remind yourself of that. The punishment you seek to dole out to the transgressor is merited, because you, and your fellow lynchmobbers, have elected yourselves the righteous purveyors of justice when others have refused to act. Never stop repeating to yourself – you are not acting out of childish hate, or fanaticism. You are merely seeking justice. Continue to remind yourself of your humble motivations, and you will indeed feel quite good about yourself, which leads to Point 3:

3) Lynching Makes You Big

French philosopher and scientist Henri DeBoutuille conducted a series of physical examinations of the members of lynch mobs in post-Revolutionary France. His results, as published in his landmark work “Walking Among the Big Men,” were startling:

Having heard that blindly following a mob in pursuit of a single hapless soul makes you a big man, I determined to discover whether such an assumption was grounded in truth or fiction. As a group would form, in preparation of a mass descent on a particular person who had committed pre-Revolutionary offenses, I conducted extensive studies of both the height and body-mass of the members of the group. Astoundingly, at the time of the death of the intended, I noticed, and fully documented, that the mob members had grown, by an average of two inches in height, and by a striking thirty to forty percent in body mass. Such effect, which led to much strutting among the mob members, lasted for several days, before said individuals reverted to their previous size.

So, indeed, it’s true – being part of a mob that gangs up on someone does indeed make you a big man. In lynching, you can find the cure for your own feelings of inadequacy and smallness.

4) You MUST Have a “Big Picture”

Just as introspection can sabotage a good lynching, so too can the realization that you’re acting out of petty personal reasons. What makes a good lynching good, and a great one great, is the understanding that you are merely a vessel acting in the name of a greater cause – your country, your religion, your race. You do this not for you, as you are a mere mortal human. No, you do this for your people, and for future generations.

If your motivations appear petty or personal, you will not derive as much as you should from your lynching. So remember – keep your eye on the “big picture.”

In the early 1900s, sociologist Richmond Verge wrote of the contrast between lynchings in the American South, and the American West:

Whereas lynchings in the South were carried out in protection of race and tradition, lynchings in the West were oft conducted for the basest of reasons, like horse thievery or cattle abduction. In one instance I witnessed, in Choctaw, Montana, a white townsman known locally as “Slow Lemuel” had absconded with the horse of a local rancher named Abbott, accidentally drowning the poor beast as he tried to ride it ‘cross the Shuctawk River. Locals rounded up the lad, and prepared to string him up. Yet there was little joy, and scantly a celebratory cry, among the mob. Even Abbott himself, the aggrieved, took little pleasure in the task, to the extent of asking a taller local to carry out the lynching for him, citing an injured back strained from a night of excessive masturbation. No one enjoyed the event, and most were repulsed by the masturbation imagery.

The lesson, as you can see here, is that lynchings for personal reasons are just not fun. If you don’t claim to be acting for something larger than yourself, you will not experience the great satisfaction and pleasure a good lynching can bring.

It is often wondered why liberals will form a mob to destroy someone who uses “racist,” “sexist,” or “homophobic” terms, while still embracing individuals who have actually raped or beaten women. That’s simply because forming a mob because one stupid little teenage girl got herself raped by a famous film director is in no way as satisfying as banishing someone from public life for using words that can “harm” all women, gays, or blacks. Big picture, remember!

Similarly, some might wonder why conservatives would ban a person from their circles for expressing views on Holocaust history, while embracing a guy who carved his ex-wife’s boyfriend up with a knife. Again, big picture. A mob formed to protest a non-glamorous knifing that involved neither race nor religion is doomed to failure. It’s best to go after a man whose words are seen, rightly or wrongly, as damaging to an entire people.

Let the law handle the petty criminals. The lynch mob is here to exact “big justice.”

So remember – No introspection, repeat to yourself that you seek justice not vengeance, enjoy being a big man by being part of the mob, and always claim a higher purpose.

Happy lynching!



4 Responses to “So, You’ve Decided to Join a Lynch Mob”
  1. Veej says:

    Only you, Stein, can write something that is insightful AND contains a reference to “the shits.” That’s talent, right there.

  2. Pat macken says:

    You forgot to mention that you now have political bonafides as a democrat. After all they did start the Klan.

  3. It is I only says:

    I’m against Lynch mob!
    I do believe that the banksters,the traitors in govnmt should be put under arrest. Given a “fair trial” & the hanged!

  4. Berkeley says:

    Lynchings are a social bonding ritual, and are sort of like a fraternity hazing that goes too far.

    Don’t you think?

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