Saturday Musings: Skeptics, Censorship, and Pig Noses

Nothing serious here…just a few musings at the end of the first week of my book’s release.

There were a few minor threats that were easily dealt with. Septic skeptic Dr. Michael Shermer tried to get my book banned by unleashing his cadre of high-priced lawyers, but I made ‘em run away so fast I swear I heard “Yakety Sax” playing as they fled.

Shermy got a few of my Youtube videos pulled by acting like a bullied teenage girl. No worries – I just re-uploaded them to another site.

Hackers tried three “denial of service” attacks against my website, but selling my organs has allowed me to pay for enough web security to keep the site safe (my kidneys are worthless, but you’d be amazed what a non-smoker’s lung can fetch on the open market).

Hackers, lawyers, and sweaty-browed accused rapist Shermer? In the words of my fictional avatar Harold Shand, “I’ve shit ‘em.”

But not all threats were as easily dispatched. Stories about my book were initiated in three major newspapers, and in each case the editors killed the pieces before publication. This was something I knew would happen, so I’ve mainly been spreading the word, quite successfully, via talk radio. And I have some big shows coming up in the next few weeks. And who knows, maybe there’ll be a newspaper editor out there with a pair hanging. But the sad truth is, the “mainstream” print press is circling the wagons.

But if that’s the bad news, the good news is that sales of the book have been exceptional, and the reviews on various websites have been stellar. I’m still #2 on the Amazon chart for political advocacy books, and I’m in the top five for human rights books.

With your help, we might just break the “mainstream” media blockade.

But good and bad news aside, what is more important in life than a really strong, hearty laugh? Nothing, sez I, and a strong, hearty laugh was my reward for all of the incessant promoting and fussing I’ve had to do during my book’s premiere week.

The same time that Shermer and his paid suits were making their ill-advised gambit, my publisher received the following message from one “Ryan Miles:”

“Hello this is Ryan Miles. I need to get in touch with the Legal Department at your publishing house please at your earliest convenience. This is in regards to your recently published book Republican Party Animal. This is a legal matter so please get back to me as soon as possible. The best number to reach me at is 818-***-****. My name is Ryan Miles and I appreciate your time and thank you.”

My publisher and I were left scratching our heads. So I called the number.

For you to appreciate the ensuing conversation as I did, you should be familiar with the Coen Brothers film “Burn After Reading.” Brad Pitt plays a vacuous gym trainer bullied by Frances McDormand into trying to blackmail an irritable, alcoholic, memoir-writing intelligence analyst played by John Malkovich. The scenes in which an outmatched, empty-headed Pitt attempts to spar with Malkovich are the best in the film. Just remember the slow, dimwitted nature of Pitt’s voice when you read Ryan Miles’ words in the transcript below the video. And imagine me sounding like Malkovich.

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So, here was my talk with Ryan Miles:

Me:  Is this Ryan Miles?

Him:  Uh, yes it is.

Me:  My name is David Cole. You contacted my publishing company about a legal matter.

Him:  Uh, yes I did. Yes I did.

Me:  Are you an attorney?

Him: (very long pause)  Umm, I have legal counsel.

Me:  That’s not what I asked. I asked if you’re an attorney.

Him:  Uh, no. No I’m not.

Me:  So why are you calling about a “legal matter?”

Him:  Um, David Cole, uh, do you have the right to use people’s names in your book?

Me:  What the fuck are you talking about?

Him:  Um, uh, names, David Cole. I’m…it’s about names. Do you have the right to use a person’s entire name?

Me:  Do I gather that you’re asking me if I’ve written anything defamatory about any particular individual?

Him:  Defam…uh…what…what I’m asking is if you have the right to use a person’s full name.

Me:  Of course I use people’s names. Who the fuck are you specifically asking about?

(sounds of typing)

Him:  Def-a-may-shun…the act of defaming someone or something…any written or spoken….

Me: (cutting him off)  Okay, moron, you’re just reciting something you’re reading online. Knock it off. On whose behalf are you calling?

Him:  I am not at liberty to say, David Cole.

Me:  You sound like someone’s boyfriend.

Him: (totally deadpan, almost melancholic)  Dude, I wish.

Me:  Goodbye.

That poor bastard. I could hear it in his voice. Someone, most likely a young lady, had put him up to that call. I felt bad for him, but my curiosity was piqued. Who was behind it? I knew it couldn’t be the venomous Rosie. She would have had her parents (or her latest sugar daddy) pay for a real attorney to call me. She’d never force some mentally-challenged “dude” to spar with me. She’s cruel, but not that cruel.

As it so often does these days, Facebook provided the answers. Ryan Miles, a self-styled “DJ” in Burbank, was apparently calling on behalf of Jennifer Lynn Warren. If that name is unfamiliar to those of you who’ve read the book, it’s because she’s not in the fucking book! That’s what makes this so funny. She was such a minor character in my life, I didn’t waste a single sentence on her.

Until now, of course, because this is just too funny a story. I actually reference “Burn After Reading” in the concluding chapter of my book, but I never dreamed that I’d be playing Malkovich to a real-life Pitt.

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Since Jennifer Lynn Warren seems so concerned about being in my book, I’ll indulge her. In early 2012, a very close friend of mine was holding a fundraiser for his teenage daughter, who was battling life-threatening cancer. I made the event a “must attend” for my Republican Party Animals, and the crowd that gathered that day at the family-owned restaurant holding the fundraiser so overwhelmed the owner that he called in an off-duty waitress to handle the overflow.

I was impressed with the manner in which the thirty-something waitress handled the throngs, and I could tell before even speaking to her that she was an actress (growing up in L.A. gave me the ability to smell the presence of an actress a mile away, much the same as a troll can smell Christian blood).

Jennifer Lynn Warren was the waitress. I befriended her. I introduced her around to the Friends of Abe Hollywood GOP group, and I inducted her into the secret Friends of Abe/Republican Party Animals Facebook group that I ran. When her mom from Pennsylvania, who had never been on an airplane in her entire life, flew out to L.A., I took Jenn and her mom to Mastro’s, my favorite Beverly Hills steakhouse.

It was Rosie’s favorite, too, and when she found out that I didn’t invite her, there was hell to pay. And “pay” was the appropriate term for why I didn’t invite her in the first place. Rosie’s absence meant the difference between a $600 bill and a $1,200 one.

Foul fetid Rosie felt threatened by this new addition to my life, and (in theory) with good cause, because she knew my type, and I happen to have a small fetish for girls with cute little pig noses. No joke. I can’t explain it, although that time I was molested by a guy in a Porky Pig costume when I was a kid might have something to do with it.

But in truth, Rosie had nothing to worry about. I didn’t find Jenn’s personality engaging, and that’s always a deal breaker. On top of that, Jenn was laden with drama, from her relatively well-known actor-roommate Pruitt Taylor Vince’s career ups and downs, to the lewd, lecherous, bipolar film director she was trying to partner with on a movie.

I didn’t need that shit in my life. I had enough drama to deal with. Plus, I was damn near broke from supporting Rosie.

Still, that didn’t stop Rosie from constantly and derisively referring to Jenn as “Jennifer ‘Pig Nose’ Warren.”

Jenn soon made a name for herself in Friends of Abe by cozying up to one guy after another, including conservative blog superstar Bill Whittle. She brought a stuffed pig to my Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker anti-recall victory celebration, which greatly confused poor Bill…

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When the Center for Security Policy’s Dave Reaboi was my out-of-town guest at a Republican Party Animals event, he drunkenly slobbered over Jenn the entire night. Jenn was a hit, and as Rosie and I fell out, she came to see Jenn as an ally. The next thing I knew, Jenn AND her mom were “graffiti-ing” my Facebook page with insults about how terrible I am for having cut Rosie off from the gravy train.

I’d never had to block anyone on Facebook before. But then again I’d always assumed I was surrounded by adults.

And that was it. That was the extent of Jennifer Lynn Warren’s “footprint” on my life. Minor, trivial. Not at all worthy of being in my book.

But definitely worthy of a blog post, courtesy of Ryan Miles and his unintentional, spot-on Brad Pitt impression. As I deal with a hundred serious matters these days, I was thankful for the laugh. Plus, anyone who’s ever spent more than a few hours with me knows that I can never resist re-telling a good anecdote.

Jenn should have at least remembered that before gifting me with five minutes of being John Malkovich.

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Comments
14 Responses to “Saturday Musings: Skeptics, Censorship, and Pig Noses”
  1. Cubby says:

    Am I bad for appreciating your writing the most when you are just a balls-out dick to people who’ve tried to take you on? I totally look forward to posts like this one. More please!

  2. OldManC says:

    Ha ha!I remember when that little ball of batshit crazy was posting on every thread in the RPA group about kissing her pig! Even with the stuffed animal, I figured “pig” was a euphemism for her nether piggy parts…

  3. Alphonso says:

    Hi David,
    A thread on the dispute between you and Michael Shermer has been started at the James Randi forums –
    http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=278713

    • bob says:

      Dear God… don’t read that thread if you don’t want to get angry.

      An example of these oh-so rational minds at work:

      ‘He also gets mad about being called a holocaust denier instead of his preferred title of “holocaust revisionist,” not realizing that denying the holocaust is a clear example of historical revisionism.’

      • Babidi says:

        Holy hell, “as a skeptic …”

        Could we, as people, stop stroking our cocks by giving ourselves labels, instead allowing OTHERS to give them to us when it’s warranted? This is akin to self-proclaimed artists having a period over a canvas while labeling themselves artists. There needs to be standards in place for claiming titles.

        • Babidi says:

          Just to add: What is the value in calling yourself a “skeptic” anyway? All skepticism means is doubt. One man’s skepticism is not necessarily so for another, in fact, sometimes not at all – you could just as well be skeptical of the claims of the so called skeptic. There is literally nothing inherently meaningful to this term for it to be as romanticized as it is. Claiming skepticism doesn’t automatically make anyone intelligent, in fact, some claims made by so-called skeptics are totally fucking stupid.

          I don’t believe 9/11 was an inside job, but the 9/11 “truthers” ARE skeptics, they are skeptical of the official story. Likewise, those skeptical of THEIR claims are skeptics. Phew, what a circle! You could be sitting in a corner with a dunce cap skeptical of the concept that two things plus another two things is equal to four. So what is the value in forming communities around something that can be applied to ANYTHING?

          “As a skeptic.” Funny how it’s said as if it gives the person an air of authority, I think fucking not.

          • bob says:

            Agreed.

            The one thing these so-called ‘critical-thinking skeptics’ have in common (going by what I have seen) is an assumption that any minority view about anything is incorrect.

            What the hell…?

            There’s probably more critical thinking on a Justin Bieber forum.

    • Steven Stern says:

      An attempt to start a discussion was made on Shermer’s own Skeptic Magazine discussion board. It was quickly shut down.

    • Andrew E. Mathis says:

      I see Hargis (“Hannover”) defending Cole and Widmann (CODOH heir apparent) trashing him. Interesting. Hargis has indicated in the past that he and Cole and friends — Cole is Hargis’s “prima Jude,” I guess. Widmann not so much?

  4. Syd Walker says:

    Re scepticism – I found my email box was assaulted on numerous occasions a while back with a cleverly designed graphic called the ‘Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense’.

    This is what I call titter-material. In this case, it’s designed to elicit titters from true-believer sKeptics of the Second Kind (that is, Shermer-style, selective and ‘accommodating’ skeptics). I dug some semiotics out of a drawer deep in my memory banks, where it had festered for several decades, and wrote a short analysis of this work of deceitful art – see ‘Applying Scientific Method to the Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense’ at http://sydwalker.info/blog/2010/08/13/applying-scientific-method-to-the-periodic-table-of-irrational-nonsense/

    Re Ms Warren, braving the outrage this may provoke among any of my feminist friends who happen to read your blog, I must say she’s very cute indeed. Please keep us posted on her movies. Does she has a fan-club website?

    There was a time, not so long ago, when hippies typically attracted the most adorable females. These days Tory animals seem to be in vogue. How times have changed – and not necessarily for the better. 🙂

  5. I stumbled across “that you’re still alive” on Michael Santomauro’s web site. Yippee. Your book’s on its way to my library. I might even review it. Dr. Toben turned me on to your fiery video’s way back when. I thought you were the cutest thing I’d ever seen. Articulate. Charmingly lispy. Dead serious scholarship on the homework. I was duly impressed with your efforts. And how you stood your ground on the Phil Donahue Show. A rocker, that one. Anyway I’m tickled shitless that you’re still alive. I have wondered for years what became of you. One of your early fans is delighted, S.

  6. Toby J Brace says:

    Very Well written and detailed review of RPA and David in general from Inconvenient History http://inconvenienthistory.com/archive/2014/volume_6/number_3/republican_party_animal.php
    Thank you, Mr. Cole, you drunken genius. Your work changed my life a few years ago when I discovered it. I had always been thoroughly immersed in WWII history and despite being a History major at a fine Liberal Arts College in the Northeast I had my doubts about what I was being fed. I came to “revisionism” through Irving and Zundel..and then I happened upon you, Mr. Cole, young, bold and for the love of God Jewish! Now THIS was groundbreaking. More balls than I had ever seen on a historian before. Today, not so young, a bit weathered by the drink (c’mon man, was that Popov out of a plastic bottle? I’m an ex-drunk..I know what horrors await in the morning) but just as bold and just as sharp. The world owes you a debt of gratitude, David. Your work has changed the world as we know it, exposed the truth and shed light on the darkest of deceptions, destined from the time of the .Balfour Declaration. Thank You and please do us a favor and write another novel before you go all “Leaving Las Vegas”.

  7. Toby J Brace says:

    *****correction – I said novel in previous posy – obviously I meant book. Cheers!

    TJB

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