As Hamas Rockets Continue, U.S. Hospitals Report Epidemic of Broken Asses
(AP) — “At first I thought it was just an odd coincidence,” Dr. Matthew Chen, attending physician at Manhattan’s Beth Israel Medical Center, told the AP. “Over the weekend, we noticed more and more people coming to the ER complaining of broken asses, with a commensurate number coming in with broken toes. My colleagues and I compared the cases, and we found that the only similarities were that all the people involved were Jewish, with the broken ass patients having voted for Obama, and the broken toe patients having voted for Romney.”
Dr. Chen was not the only medical professional to notice this apparent epidemic. Dr. Roberto Salazar of Miami’s Metropolitan Hospital was confronted with the same baffling situation. “By Saturday, we had over 67 broken ass patients, and nearly as many broken toe patients. All Jewish, with the only difference being how they voted two weeks ago. By Sunday, the numbers had swelled to over 100. The asses had swelled too. It was unpleasant.”
Fearing an outbreak of a new ass-and-toe disease, the CDC dispatched teams to hospitals in New York, Miami, Philadelphia, Chicago, and L.A. After exhaustive interviews with the patients, the CDC concluded that rather than being a new disease, the broken ass and toe epidemic was the result of spontaneous reactions around the country from Jews who opposed Obama, aimed at Jews who supported him.
“We’re looking at this as a psychological phenomenon, not a viral or bacteriological one,” CDC Deputy Director Ileana Arias told the AP. “With Israel being showered with rockets, and with Obama’s ‘solution’ being to ask the virulently anti-Israel leaders of Turkey and Egypt to intervene to bring ‘peace,’ apparently some Republican Jews are having an involuntary reflex action which leads them to kick pro-Obama Jews in the ass.”
Jake Shinowitz knows this all-too-well. Standing uncomfortably in the ER of Beverly Hills’ Cedars Sinai hospital, he recounted his ordeal to the AP. “I was a HUGE Obama supporter. I donated money, made phone calls, decorated my lawn. The fact that during his first term he’d given Egypt to the Islamists, supported a radicalized Turkey, and dumped on Israel every chance he could, didn’t phase me. What did was that Romney would have outlawed all contraception.”
The AP reminded Shinowitz that not only had Romney never claimed he’d do that, but it would have been impossible for any president to outlaw contraception. “Funny,” Shinowitz said in response, “that’s just what my Republican uncle said before he kicked me in the ass.”
Nathan Weingartner was pacing the floor of Philadelphia’s Temple University Hospital ER, holding an ice pack against his broken ass. “All I said to my cousin Ethan, a Republican, was that Obama’s response to the Gaza crisis, to ask for help from the Turkish leaders, who had already pledged to make Israel ‘pay’ for fighting back against Hamas, and who were giving aid and support to Hamas, was a brilliant move. I told my cousin that if we just approach the enemies of Israel with love and respect, they’ll do the right thing. Next thing I know, my ass was broken.”
Daniel Berenboim, waiting to be seen by his private physician in San Diego, had a similar story. “Now that Obama has the flexibility of a second term, the folks in Egypt and Turkey will totally do what he says. Obama is a true leader. My wife was born in Tel Aviv, and as she and I were watching footage of the destruction caused by the Hamas rockets, all I said was that Obama sure did the right thing by disrespecting and insulting Netanyahu for the past four years. And my wife excused herself, and came back into the living room wearing her heavy boots. I thought that was odd. And then she asked me to stand up, which I did. You can probably figure out what happened next.”
For the Jews with broken toes, there is confusion to accompany the pain. “I’m really not sure what happened,” Jerry Sokolow told the AP from a hospital room in Brooklyn. “My brother’s not a bad guy. He’s a Democrat, but we’ve always gotten along. But we were watching the destruction in Israel, and he said something like, ‘the only reason the Muslims didn’t become peaceful after 2008 is that they thought Obama’s first victory was a fluke. So I voted for him again, to show the Muslim world that we’re REALLY not racists, and I think THIS time it’ll bring peace.’ And the next thing I knew, my brother was on the floor with a broken ass, and I had three broken toes. Honestly, I don’t even remember doing anything.”
Jason Kravitz of Skokie has the same problem. “My son-in-law was going on about how great it is that Obama is going to Erdogan and Morsi to resolve the crisis, how they’re our ‘peace partners,’ and how he felt that this vindicated his vote for Obama. I really don’t recall what happened next, except that I was holding my foot in agony, and Aaron had a broken ass.”
Doctors and police have coordinated their efforts to combat this epidemic, and the results seem to be paying off. Sunday morning, a former documentary filmmaker and current CEO of the largest ceramic lobster factory on the West Coast, David Stein, was apprehended by the L.A.P.D. while attempting to enter the home of Obama-supporting director Steven Spielberg while wearing steel-toed boots. Stein, who appeared to be intoxicated according to the police report, was booked on one count of trespassing, one count of stalking, and one count of self-indulgently writing himself into his own blog post. The latter charge carries a minimum penalty of one year in prison.