Israeli Envoy Summoned to Paris for Meeting with Insane Imbecile
Paris (AP) – The Israeli envoy in Paris, Daniel Korentz, was summoned to the French Foreign Ministry on Monday by government officials concerned about Israel’s plan to build more settlements in the “occupied” West Bank and East Jerusalem. The French government has been an outspoken supporter of recent Palestinian attempts to gain U.N. recognition, and French Foreign Minister Jean-Claude Débile told the AP that his intention in summoning Korentz to the ministry was to stress to the Israeli government that France would not stand for any Israeli “belligerency” regarding occupied Palestinian land.
Following the Korentz/Débile meeting, both men held a press conference in the Foreign Ministry’s foyer.
Débile spoke first: “It is the French government’s position that the acquisition of land through warfare is illegal, and the colonizing of land seized during warfare is a violation of every standard of international law and moral decency. France stands firm in advocacy of these immutable standards. Israel must withdraw fully from any and all lands seized during Arab/Israeli conflicts, it must grant the Palestinians a completely free and independent state, and it must allow for the return of any and all Palestinian refugees who fled their lands during the founding of what is now called Israel. On these issues there will be no compromise.”
Once the foreign minister had concluded his remarks, Korentz gave his.
“I respect Minster Débile greatly. So much so, that I asked him if we could take a brief day trip to one of my favorite parts of his beautiful country, Alsace-Lorraine. The minister kindly agreed, and that’s where we were this morning. I pointed out to the minister that Alsace-Lorraine was seized from Germany during wartime – twice, first in World War One, and again after World War Two. The minister failed to see any relevance to the situation at hand.”
As Débile became distracted by a butterfly and left his podium, Korentz continued.
“I realized I was being too subtle. So I reminded the minister that there is a considerable size difference between the West Bank and Alsace-Lorraine. The West Bank has an area of about 5,640 square kilometers. Lorraine has an area of about 24,000 square kilometers, and Alsace has an area of about 8,200 square kilometers. I pointed out to the minister the rather sizeable amount of land that his country gained through warfare. He still didn’t quite see what I was trying to get at.”
At this point in the press conference, Débile had become obsessed with making fart noises with his mouth to the tune of ”La Marseillaise,” so Korentz continued.
“Still trying to not be too heavy-handed, I reminded the minister of the more than 200,000 ethnic Germans expelled or driven from Alsace-Lorraine after World War One. I asked him if they had a right to return, and to declare an independent Alsatian country free and separate from France. The minister said ‘of course not,’ and I asked him if he saw any irony in his position…any irony at all. He said no, and I begged his pardon as I asked for a bottle of water so I could take my blood pressure medication.”
Reporters at the press conference turned to Débile to get his response, but he had stuck two pens up his nose while screaming “Je suis le morse” (“I am the walrus”). Korentz went on with his remarks.
“Trying to control my temper, I asked the minister why he felt his nation was entitled to take over Alsace-Lorraine and expel the ethnic German inhabitants. And he told me, ‘because a long time ago it used to be French territory, and we had every right to reclaim it and make it our own.’ And again I asked him if he saw any irony in his position regarding Israel, and he said no. And I successfully stifled a desire to kick him in the ass.”
Once more, the reporters turned to Débile for comment, only to see him obsessively licking his fingers and pinching his nipples. Attention quickly turned back to Korentz.
“So I asked the minister how his country would respond if Alsatian nationalists with German sympathies began firing rockets into France. And the minister replied, ‘we’d crush them mercilessly.’ And I said, ‘and you STILL see no irony in your position regarding Israel?’ He said no, and I had to punch a nearby tree to avoid slugging the moron and creating an international incident.”
Eagerly wishing to know the minister’s response, reporters turned to Débile, only to see that he had forgotten to breathe, so he lay unconscious at the base of his podium.
Korentz took the opportunity to conclude his remarks.
“Having come to the realization that I was dealing with a man not capable of rational thought, or of recognizing the inherent contradictions in his position, I suggested to him that the logic he was employing was obviously French, because it stinks like someone who only bathes once a year. And then he forgot to breathe and passed out, just like now. I think I’ll head to de Gaulle and fly home.”
And with that, the press conference ended.