Dept. of Defense “Training” Video: Man-on-Man Groping!
With Barack Obama in the final stretch of his presidency, what best symbolizes his tenure as Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces? There are so many U.S. military symbols that signify strength, fearlessness, and resolution: eagles, swords, arrows, anchors, a bulldog. But somehow, none of those seem right for Obama. Yet surely our Nobel Peace Prize-winning president deserves his own symbol. And I nominate Gropey Miguel. Because Gropey Miguel is a true emblem of the Obama “footprint” on the sands of U.S. military history. Gropey Miguel may not have been directly created by Obama, but he is a product of Obama appointees, and therefore representative of the administration’s priorities regarding the military.
Gropey Miguel’s priority? Why, groping, of course! Miguel loves to grope other men, a problem apparently rampant enough in the armed forces during Obama’s presidency to warrant an entire taxpayer-funded video designed to address it.
Gropey Miguel was the brainchild of the Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute (DEOMI), a U.S. Department of Defense educational facility located at Patrick Air Force Base in Florida. It was created in 1971 (initially called the Defense Race Relations Institute) to study the progress of black Americans in the armed forces. In 1979, under President Carter, the name was changed to DEOMI, and the focus was expanded to combating “racism, sexism, and intolerance.” DEOMI serves all branches of the armed forces.
The DEOMI commandant, a political appointee, is Col. Morris “Reese” Turner.
In the DEOMI video, Gropey Miguel is a groper, a grabber, a pincher of male flesh, a musser of hair, a hugger of man-flab. Gropey Miguel is my name for him, by the way. In the video, he’s simply called Miguel. I also like to refer to him as “El Grabuloso.” Miguel is constantly tormenting an out-of-shape, befuddled white Department of Defense employee with his ceaseless fondling. The beleaguered worker gets no support from his multicultural coworkers, who tell him to live with it. After all, no one puts Miguel in a corner. The man’s an artist!
At the end of the video, servicemembers are given a choice (on the DEOMI website) regarding the best way to handle the Gropey Miguels that apparently constitute a major problem in the military these days. The “correct” response is to attempt to solve the problem at the “lowest level.” Filing a complaint or informing others of your feelings constitute the wrong responses.
Look, this isn’t life-or-death, it’s just very funny. It’s funny that the Department of Defense saw this as a good use of its budget. It’s funny that there are apparently enough Gropey Miguels in the military to justify producing this video. And it’s just funny, as entertainment. Miguel and his dumpy, sullen foil make a great comedic pair.
The only thing that isn’t funny is that the people Obama put in charge of defending our nation don’t see it as funny. That’s why Gropey Miguel should be remembered as a symbol of Obama’s disastrous presidency, a presidency marked by many, many things that would be hilarious if they weren’t so pathetic.
Which brings us to the final punchline to this story. In December 2014, Commandant Morris “Reese” Turner, the man in charge of DEOMI, the man in charge of “educational materials” like “Gropey Miguel,” was suspended from his command.
The charge? “Inappropriate touching.”
And with that, here’s the video (you can also view the video on the DEOMI website):