Liam Neeson’s Impending Conversion to Islam Prompts “Schindler’s List” Re-Cut (video)

(AP) – Liam Neeson’s recent announcement that he is considering converting to Islam has apparently prompted the actor to spend a day in the editing room, crafting a new, alternate ending to his Oscar-winning film “Schindler’s List.”

“I was speaking with a local Imam,” Neeson told the AP, “and he said that my films have never played well in the Muslim world. Especially ‘Schindler’s List.’ He suggested that my conversion and acceptance would be easier if I established some artistic credibility in the Islamic community. And I agreed.”

So Neeson called a few of his Hollywood buddies, and into the editing bay they went.

“There’s a lot you don’t want to change about ‘Schindler’s List,’” he confessed. “The beautiful cinematography, the musical score, the amazing performances. But my Imam told me that those things would not be a problem. Essentially, what we needed to change was the ending. Obviously, we couldn’t re-shoot anything, as the film is almost twenty-years old. But I was watching the climactic scene, and I realized we had a bit of leeway regarding the contents of Schindler’s suitcase.”

Here, obtained exclusively by the AP, is the new ending to the film:

(Angry Muslims have been filing complaints against this video everywhere it appears, resulting in Youtube pulling the video again and again. If the above video doesn’t play, click HERE)

Neeson’s gamble is already paying dividends. The new “Schindler” is a smash-hit in Iran, with Iranian film critic Hajir Eibert giving it two severed-thumbs-up. The Muslim Brotherhood Film Certification Board of Egypt also gave it its highest rating – on a scale of one-to-ten, with ten being best and one being “we shoot the filmmaker in the head, immolate his wife, and rape his children,” the Board gave the film a resounding “ten.”

The Wahhabi Weekly, Saudi Arabia’s largest-circulation weekly newspaper, said of the film: “’Schindler’s List’ is a movie about redemption, about a good man who is the product of a noble system that sought to cleanse the Jew-beasts from the earth, yet who lost his way because of weakness and blindness to the guile of the Jews. But, in the end, he is redeemed by a final act of martyrdom. The ending was so moving, I noticed several grown men in the theater weeping. I immediately reported them to the police as homosexuals.”

Neeson told the AP that he was so pleased to hear that his recut had been praised in the Weekly, he phoned a friend who lives in Riyadh to ask her to send him a copy. “That’s when I realized I still have much to learn about Islam,” Neeson said. “I didn’t know that it’s haraam (forbidden) for a woman to touch a newspaper in Saudi Arabia. Boy, was my face red! Of course, I wanted to do the right thing, so I paid for her funeral.”

For his part, “Schindler” director Steven Spielberg understands the need for a revamped ending. “When I first made ‘Schindler,’” Spielberg told the AP via comsat link from his solid-gold castle on Mount Everest, “I was naïve. It wasn’t until I made ‘Munich’ that I realized the absolute moral equivalence between the people who slaughter Jews, and the Jews who are slaughtered. Back in 1981, I could blithely melt Nazis’ faces in my films, without wondering, ‘but how do they feel? After all, all they want is their own homeland free of Jews.’ I’m glad I’ve matured; I’m glad I can see both sides now. Oh, and being able to market ‘Schindler’ to the Muslim world will probably bring in a cool billion dollars, which will come in handy on those cold Himalayan nights when I need extra money to burn in the fireplace.”

Hassan Ali Makbeel, Communications Director for President Obama’s Department of Muslim Outreach (formerly NASA), was ecstatic about the “Schindler” recut, and the groundwork it lays for the future. “The president has long said that the only way to deal with Muslims who might be perceived as ‘extreme’ is through dialogue, cultural exchange, and open-mindedness. Recutting some of our classic films to appeal to the Muslim market is a brilliant concept. In fact, we’ve just hired James Cameron to do a recut of ‘Exodus’ in which the ship sinks and everyone dies.”

Comments
9 Responses to “Liam Neeson’s Impending Conversion to Islam Prompts “Schindler’s List” Re-Cut (video)”
  1. AJ says:

    Two severed thumbs up for this post! One of your best.

  2. Brian Gould says:

    Really, really funny satire. Great job. I’ll be sharing it.

  3. Tongue and cheek??? is Neeson high on some Turkish hash or something???

  4. Bosnian says:

    Whomever wrote this, I pity you, silly little bigot.

  5. Ryan says:

    Mr.T

    How about you choose something more original than copying the name of a washed out hollyywood celebrity?
    But then again, sheep follow sheep.

    • Mr. T says:

      Dear Ryan,

      I pity you as well. And I pity sheep. But I must respectfully declare that I pity you more. You have my pity, fool.

      Warmest Regards,

      Mr. T

  6. workingclass artist says:

    Effective satire.

    Too bad Mr. Neeson seems to be confused & places his immortal soul in jeopardy cause decisions like that last forever.

  7. Alan says:

    funny but very hypocritical about comparing islam with nazis. You are no differant than the rascist skinheads who compare rascist zionism with jews. A lot of the jewish population and the palestinians (god bless them both) oppose zionism for what it stands for. ” judaism and zionism are diametrically opposed”- spray painted on a wall in jerusalem. The goal of zionists is the utter destruction and genocide of palestinians.

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