Need a Lawyer? Don’t Hire Sandra Fluke
(From FiniGoodman.com, reposted with permission)
I know you have heard of Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown Law School student who recently testified to members of congress about the subject of birth control. She has been a prominent media fixture this week as a figure of public mockery and an example of the “sexism” of the Republican party. To be clear, I hate it when women are called sluts and whores. But I do think that the Fluke story is relevant because it highlights something far graver than sexism or her inability to pay for birth control. Through her testimony, Fluke proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Georgetown Law School is offering a substandard education and thus must be churning out some incredibly incompetent lawyers. Here are five obvious infarcts in the Georgetown Law School education curriculum as revealed by Sandra Fluke:
1. To be an effective lawyer, you need to be able to negotiate. If you are a woman, let alone a female law student, and you aren’t adept enough to negotiate with a man to get him to pay for the birth control for intercourse he will partake in, I don’t know what to tell you: guys are pretty much willing to do anything before they have sex with you. It’s really not a fair fight. If you can’t get the guy to pay for an expensive dinner with wine, three months worth of birth control pills, condoms, lubricant, a scented candle, bath salts and make him cuddle with you and listen to you for at least an hour as you spout your inane man-hating femino-statist ideas while making him apologize for his penis, don’t have sex with that guy let alone become a lawyer! You need to find a profession where you can constantly be a victim and whine about not getting enough: for example, why don’t you become a New York or Los Angeles public school teacher?
2. Good lawyers need to be able to lie effectively. Fluke’s testimonial exaggerations were what got her made fun of this week in the first place. Fluke had a whopper of an estimate that birth control costs her and her peers at Georgetown Law around 1,000/year. Anyone who is at all familiar with birth control knows that is a ridiculously high estimate. Fluke’s laugher that the price of birth control and the health effects on women who do not receive it seem more akin to the scare films of the 50’s like Reefer Madness than Johnny Cochran’s famous, “if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit”: which was a whopper but an effective whopper since the gloves with dried ex-wife and waiter blood sitting in police custody for a year getting crusty really didn’t fit. Fluke’s inability to prevaricate effectively is a shame to her aspired profession. Watch Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, any press conference with Gloria Allred or any speech by Bill Clinton or John Edwards if you need further proof about how necessary lying is as a skill-set for an attorney.
3. Lawyer knows how to manage their time effectively. A lawyer has to fit 26 hours of work into a 24 hour day. If Fluke and her peers are telling the truth about these figures, they are having sex around three times/day instead of doing something called studying. If they can stay in school and not study, that does not bode well for the demands put on them by their Georgetown Law School education.
4. A good lawyer has enough gumption to do research and work the system. In her testimony, Fluke presented a dire picture of what has happened to her and her peers because they can’t afford birth control: her peers at Georgetown law school are “losing ovaries” and “maybe even dying of cancer” due to their inability to pay for the pill: some of them have had to make the ultimate sacrifice and can no longer have sex (interestingly, none of them have gotten pregnant or contracted venereal diseases, the two reasons most people use contraception in the first place) because they are not able to afford the steep and punitive price of birth control pills. Ms. Fluke told of a peer from Georgetown law who is married and can no longer afford to have sex with her husband. With the barest research you will find that Target and Wal-Mart offer birth control to the uninsured for $15/month: they don’t want their customers reproducing any more than the rest of us do. I have been poor. I have been to many a free clinic in Sacramento and Los Angeles. I paid $10 /month for the pill and took the free condoms that were offered in overflowing glass fish bowls all around the clinics: I could thus afford the double protection of birth control pills and condoms for $10 /month. If you saw some of the guys I have had sex with, you would see why I would want double protection: I even sprung for the luxury of having some of the more dubious guys wear two condoms at the same time. Through the free clinics I have been to, I have had a cyst on one of my ovaries removed as well as gotten a biopsy on my breast: they even offered to remove the lump for practically free. I just had to find the clinics and fill out the proper paperwork to prove that I was poor. I am an actress and a graduate of a California state school: if I could figure the system out I would imagine that the intellectuals at Georgetown law could. On a different note, what kind of nutless loser did Fluke’s friend marry that the guy can’t figure out how to come up with the $15 /month for his wife’s pills so he can have sex with her? He’s so impotent and feminized, he must be a Georgetown Law student too.
5. A good lawyer should know the law better than I do. In her testimony, Ms. Fluke referred to a peer from Georgetown who is a rape victim. The victim thought she had to pay for the rape kit if she reported the rape to the police. How are you a law student and not know the law well enough to know that rape kits are free?!!!!!!!! I know rape kits are free and my entire law education consists of watching the six episodes of Law and Order that TNT shows a day (I’m an Orbach girl but the Jeremy Sisto ones are growing on me: he’s really handsome when he has the beard and his round round face is camouflaged) OK: I doubted myself and did research just in case: yes, rape kits are free in Washington DC: because, I assume the police want to CATCH THE RAPIST!
Ms. Fluke has been accused of calling out her peers at Georgetown’s Law School as sluts for revealing that they are going broke because they are having so much sex that they can’t afford birth control. Again I disagree with that assessment. However, I do accuse her of calling out her peers at Georgetown Law as bad lawyers. The next time I need a lawyer, I will make sure not to get a lawyer who went to Georgetown: I would probably wind up getting the death penalty for a shoplifting charge. The women at Georgetown Law should be less angry about having to pay for birth control and more angry that they are paying a ridiculous amount of money per year to get a substandard education: basic cable is around $40 /month. If you drop out of Georgetown and watch Law and Order on TNT six short hours a day, you will be able to afford all the birth control you want, have more time to use it and be a better lawyer more capable of doing the job and earning a living. I hope these tips have been helpful and will act as a useful supplement to the obviously lacking curriculum in the Georgetown University Department of Law.
Fini Goodman is an actress, stand up comedienne, and writer. Since she is now a mom, she writes movie reviews for stay-at-home moms.