TLC Cancels “All American Muslim.” In Unrelated News, TLC Execs Go Into Hiding
(AP) – It was a noble idea that just couldn’t find an audience. After only one season, TLC has canceled its landmark but ratings-challenged series “All American Muslim,” a show that was launched to counter the images, so prevalent in right-wing circles, of Muslims as bomb-happy, intolerant, violence-prone extremists.
“We are proud of the show, proud of what we were able to bring to our audience,” said TLC Programming Director Ted Berenson. “Our goal was to counter the stereotypes of Muslims as unreasonable people who become violent at the slightest provocation, or who vow to take revenge against any perceived slight,” Berenson told the AP from a secret location somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, where he is holed up in an underground bunker. “We informed CAIR and other Muslim organizations of our decision to cancel the show, and they were kind enough to let us know that the fatwa they have put on our heads applies only to TLC executives and employees, but not our families. And we’re thankful for that – very, very thankful. By the way, can you possibly let your readers know that my bunker is completely surrounded by landmines? I mean, totally surrounded. Not that I’m expecting any trouble…I, uh, always vacation in a reinforced bunker in March. It’s a Berenson tradition.”
An AP reporter visited TLC headquarters in Silver Springs, MD, to interview staff members about the cancellation of their groundbreaking series. TLC Communications Director Jerry Kalb met the AP at the front door of the building, pointing a double-barreled shotgun at our reporter and demanding that he show ID and eat a slice of bacon before entering. After being x-rayed and removing his shoes, our reporter was allowed inside.
Mr. Kalb was asked about the increased security. “Security? What security? This is, um, normal for us. Totally normal. The first lesson you learn in the communications business is that you should always greet guests by pointing a gun at them and shouting ‘who the f*** are you? Get on the f*****g ground and lick that pig. Lick it, or I blow your f*****g head off,” Mr. Kalb told our reporter, who had been handcuffed to a chair in what Mr. Kalb said was a standard TLC “hospitality procedure.”
“There will be a bunch of racist Islamophobes who will claim that we have increased security out of a fear of retaliation from Muslims for canceling the show. That’s absolute bigotry,” Mr. Kalb continued before being interrupted by TLC Press Liaison Sara Massey, who was firing warning shots from a second-story window at a group of reporters attempting to approach the building.
Several minutes later, Ms. Massey explained her actions. “It’s silly to think we’re somehow afraid of retaliation. In the media PR business, it’s actually standard procedure to shoot a gun at the feet of approaching reporters and demand that they strip and show that there are no bombs strapped to their bodies. It’s a great ice breaker, you know?”
Our AP reporter asked Ms. Massey about the giant truck-stopping barricades that had been erected on the sidewalk outside TLC headquarters. “Oh, that? That’s nothing. We, uh, we’ve been having problems with kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside the front door. Darn kids…someone could slip and fall. Silly, silly kids,” Massey explained as she reloaded her shotgun.
From his sandbag-surrounded foxhole on the roof of the building, TLC Executive Director Norman Edelman said the rumors that TLC staffers were concerned about reprisals for canceling the show are ridiculous. “Every executive I know lives in a fortified foxhole on a roof…it’s normal,” Edelman told the AP. “It’s, like, the cool thing to do. It makes you feel like a general or something – you know, it’s a leadership thing,” Edelman said, before dropping dead from a heart attack when a car backfired on the street.
The replacement TLC executive director, who would only identify himself as “Mr. Smith,” told our reporter that the company expects absolutely no problems as a result of canceling the show. He also thanked the private security firm the company has hired to create new IDs for all TLC executives, and the real estate firm that has provided the safehouses.
“We have nothing to fear from the religion of peace,” Smith told our reporter, before screaming like a teenage girl and pissing himself when his secretary tapped him on the shoulder to ask if he wanted coffee. “Please don’t read too much into that, okay?” Smith told our reporter after changing his pants. “It’s not that I’m scared or anything…I always pee when someone taps me on the shoulder unexpectedly. Some companies actually see that as a positive thing in an executive. Really.”
The AP spoke to CAIR Director of Friendliness Ali Sheidy, who told us that the fatwa issued against TLC had been misconstrued. “Just as the Islamophobes racistly misinterpret the term ‘jihad’ as being something negative, when in fact it simply means ‘inner struggle to become a super-duper nice person,’ so too do they misinterpret ‘fatwa,’ which actually means ‘hugs and kisses.’ The Islamophobes also misinterpret our use of the term ‘behead,’ which in our culture actually means ‘a basket of cute cuddly kittens.’ And when we say ‘your children will drown in a river of the blood of their infidel parents,’ we actually mean, ‘wanna go share a malt at the soda shop, cutie-pie?’
“It was exactly these kinds of misunderstandings that ‘All American Muslim’ was created to dispel. And now that TLC has canceled the show, we will slit the vile throats of their employees and shove their castrated genitals into the sockets formerly occupied by their sinful eyes,” Sheidy said, before reminding our reporter, “Of course, in our culture, that simply means ‘gosh we think you’re swell.’”