Julianne Moore Gets $127,000 of Her Wealth Redistributed
(AP) – In the feel-good celebrity story of the week, noted liberal activist and Democrat booster Julianne Moore had $127,000 worth of jewelry redistributed to the less fortunate, as construction work was being done on her pricey West Village brownstone in New York.
It is widely believed that the wealth was redistributed by, and to, the construction workers.
To the puzzlement of those in her political circle, Ms. Moore has sought police assistance to recover her redistributed wealth.
“Frankly, I’m not sure why she feels the need to go to the police,” Minka Levine-Cohen of the New York Democratic Party told the AP. “Ms. Moore is only a celebrity because construction workers built the roads she drives on, and the building in which she lives. She really needs to ask herself, ‘were those jewels really ever mine in the first place? Or have they simply gone back to the people who truly deserve them?’”
“Julianne could have made a strong statement about the need for the ‘one percent’ to share their wealth,” said Che Marcus Garvey Spiegelman of the New York Occupy Wall Street Central Planning Committee and Cannabis Dispensary. “It confuses me why she doesn’t just celebrate the fact that the ninety-nine percent can now enjoy those beautiful objects. They might even be able to sell them for pot. That would be cool. Pot’s cool”
“Julianne is a friend of mine, I know her well,” Tory Fleischer of New York City Planned Parenthood (where Ms. Moore sits on the Board of Advocates) told the AP, “and I think she just hasn’t realized how many abortions those jewels can pay for. Honestly, I think, when she does, she’ll realize how detrimental it would be to try to seek their return from the low-income New Yorkers who most likely took them. Because in the end, what’s more important? Being able to wear a shiny Cartier diamond to the Golden Globes, or keeping abortion mills funded in the face of the GOP’s war on women?”
“For all we know, those jewels might have been blood diamonds, mined by African child-soldiers to fill the pockets of greedy U.S. pharmaceutical companies, Islamophobic Israeli war-mongers, Wall Street robber-barons, homophobic Mormons, and George Zimmerman,” the Reverend Al Sharpton told the AP from his private room at Holliswood Psychiatric Hospital. “Ms. Moore should simply look at the so-called ‘theft’ as reparations for the wicked actions of her slaver ancestors. Also, ‘The Forgotten’ really sucked. I mean, really. Did you see it? It was terrible. How do films like that get made?”