Grieving Celebrities Struggle to Find Replacement Dictator

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(AP) – The formal announcement by the Venezuelan government that Hugo Chavez has died sent shockwaves through the ranks of the Hollywood elite, who had long been the Venezuelan leader’s staunchest supporters. Throughout the day, celebrities struggled to cope with the devastating loss.

“Sean is devastated, completely inconsolable,” Sean Penn’s publicist Amy Glattensturmer told the AP. “He’s been in his bedroom all day. He won’t eat, he won’t berate his staff, he won’t punch women, he wouldn’t even come outside to look at the brand new Ferrari Enzo the studio sent him as incentive to read a script. He realizes that a true champion of the working class has died today, and, as one himself, Sean has taken the hit very hard.”

“The relationship between celebrities and their dictators is a very close one,” PR guru Benjamin Shaltzberg told the AP. “Hollywood celebrities had formed a huge bond with Chavez. It will be difficult to replace.”

Throughout Tuesday afternoon, cars full of mourners were seen driving up to Tim Robbins’ 20,000-acre private estate, called “Proletariat Meadows,” in Westchester County. Robbins, who would not speak directly to the AP, did release the following statement on Twitter: “We who struggle in the working class have lost a hero – a man of strong hand, and one of the few who truly realized what a genius I am.”

Supermodel Naomi Campbell, who previously called Chavez “fearless” and a “rebel angel,” was so distressed by the news of his passing that she couldn’t even bring herself to throw a phone at her assistant. “At first, she was like, how can I go on as normal with Hugo gone?” Campbell’s assistant Anna Smyth-Lipsky told the AP. “But then she realized that Hugo would have wanted her to push ahead, to be as fearless as he was. So she lined up the entire staff and began chucking phones at us one-by-one. We were all so proud to see her bravery in not letting this tragedy get her spirits down.”

But with Chavez gone, where do these celebrities go now? “They still have Ahmadinejad, certainly,” PR whiz Shaltzberg told the AP. “But he’s never quite been at Chavez’s level. There have always been issues.”

“I love Mahmoud,” Michael Moore told the AP, “ but you can’t get a decent plate of pork chops over there. I mean, I love whoring myself out to dictators, but without pork, where’s the joy? With Hugo, you always got bacon. And you can’t put a price on that.”

Mike Tyson agrees. “Look, the rapin’ is great over there in Iran, but I like my victims to put up a fight, Turns me on, you know? Those Vezenwaylan bitches that Hugo would give me, now THEY were feisty. I sure hope no (expletive) democracy screws that place up.”

“Because of Venezuela’s historically-close relationship with the U.S., Chavez was very keen on American culture. And the staff of toadies he would assign to visiting celebrities knew how to fawn,” Shaltzberg adds. “When people like Danny Glover or Oliver Stone visit a dictator, they don’t just want to be wined and dined. They want to be told how great ‘Lethal Weapon 4’ was, or what a crime it was that the Oscars overlooked ‘Alexander.’ Sure, Ahmadinejad can take them to see the stoning of a woman or the execution of a homosexual, and that’s great. But it’s the little touches that matter, the sycophantism and flattery that celebrities need. And pork.”

“Hugo once let me stomp the rib cage of an imprisoned journalist,” Alec Baldwin told the AP in an exclusive interview. “And as I was kicking the guy, imagining he was my piggish slut of a daughter, Hugo threw a ‘30 Rock’ quote at me! And we just started riffing back and forth. He knew every line, every episode. That was class, you know? The other dictators just don’t have that same level. Once, when I was in Iran watching a woman get fifty lashes for mouthing off to her husband, I turned to Mahmoud and joked, ‘I bet Jack wishes he could do that to Liz Lemon,’ and he just stared at me, like I was speaking a foreign language. Amazing…not a clue.”

“This really could be Kim Jong-un’s moment,” Shaltzberg told the AP. “It’s ironic that Chavez’s passing comes so close after Dennis Rodman’s triumphal visit to North Korea. There’s a void that’s been created by Chavez’s passing, one that Kim can fill. Sure, there’s Castro, but when the beloved family dog dies, you don’t rush out to buy an even older one. You get a puppy. Kim could really be the next member of the celebrity/dictator mutual admiration society. But, there are obstacles, of course. Language, especially. Many Venezuelans are English-fluent, and understand the subtleties of the language. Not so in North Korea, where, since the country’s creation, English has either been banned or discouraged among the population. So, if Kim wants to make his country the new destination of choice for celebrities looking to rub shoulders with a dictatorial madman, the country’s going to have to polish-up its language-skills.”

Shaltzberg’s point was emphasized by a full-page ad that the government of North Korea is planning to run in Wednesday’s Variety, in an attempt to fill the Chavez void. The ad, shown to the AP by a source at the magazine, reveals just how far the North Koreans have to go before they can reach the level of skill with the Hollywood community that Chavez always displayed. The ad reads:

“Hey you actor douchebag. Yes you. You come here, North Korea. We treat you good. We have pork. Lots pork. Our pig not disease, our pig good. You come, you eat, go home. You leave.”

We showed the ad to PR expert Shaltzberg, who immediately began packing for a trip to Pyongyang. “I gotta go where I’m needed,” he told the AP.

Comments
7 Responses to “Grieving Celebrities Struggle to Find Replacement Dictator”
  1. Kender Breitbart MacGowan says:

    this article is simply delicious…..

  2. Nathan says:

    Well done… well done.

  3. Al the fish says:

    What about Robert Mugabe? He’s a Marxist and pretty freaky-deaky, and no translation needed.

    PS Nick Searcy led me astray to your blog, blame him

  4. BigBossOgg says:

    I have never been as disappointed as I was when the words ran out, and there was nothing else to read of this masterful poke in the eye of Hollywood, and it’s (mostly) self-absorbed toads and lickspittles.

    Speaking of toads, I, too, was sent hence by running dog lackey Nick Searcy.

  5. Clark Drew says:

    Sean Penn is another liberal whacko,love his acting,but his politics suck the big one!!!

  6. Clark Drew says:

    Danny Glover is also a liberal whacko!!

  7. Skunks Rule says:

    This compendium is good, but needs to be much more comprehensive. It seems you’ve only scratched the skunks nose.

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